Evil MERP: Pick on Someone yer own size!

Pick on Someone Your Own Size?!

Borshak Onetooth, a young and fairly inexperienced Uruk Hai in the service of Sauron and based in the Misty Mountains has been commanded to intercept a dwarf supply convoy and then sack the tower that they have recently built in this part of the Misty Mountains. Dwarves cannot be allowed to get a foothold here or more will come. He knows that failure here will mean demotion and possibly worse. His only previous mission as a captain was to lead a scouting party of warg riders to eliminate a lone rider of Rohan, but the scheming strawhead lead them into an ambush and only one warg escaped alive.
He has been assigned a foul but competent scout and given a token of the Eye that will give him authority over a local band of young trolls. The scout and trolls are expendable as long as the mission is completed.
Uglik the goblin scout has been watching the area and has an idea of the route of the caravan and the location of the dwarf tower in relation to the troll’s cave. The scout has been around and is aware that he is expendable on the mission. His primary goal is to survive and get as much gold for himself as he can. If the mission is achieved and the Uruk-Hai does not survive then he knows he will be able to grab all the glory for himself, and if he can get the Eye token then the trolls will follow his orders. It would be very easy to get them to kill the Uruk then……

Borshak and Uglik enter the Trolls’ clearing and are immediately mis-identified as Dwarves. Only swift action by Borshak in confronting the trolls with the Eye makes them back down. The symbol gives the trolls a feeling they have never had before: fear. The young stone trolls are easy to persuade to go on a mission to kill dwarves – they want to do it, they just never had the brains before to find their way to the dwarf hold. Dwarf for dinner sounds gooood!
Unfortunately these evil creatures are not entirely predictable or committed to the mission. Orrid has stolen NG’s favourite rock, while NG has stolen Orrid’s favourite skull. If they remember this then these trolls will take any opportunity they can to take vengeance on each other and obtain their lost treasures. Pog has more of an understanding of the value of shiny metal than the other trolls and is greedy to obtain more.

The Uruk and goblin plan an ambush of the dwarves’ supply wagon and drive the trolls to the best location to do so. Early plans to get the trolls to dig a pit flounder on the packed soil, so the clever Uruk, using the goblins brain comes up with a plan to block the road with a barricade. The trolls prove poor at following inexact orders, with ‘get tree’ bring first saplings, and then a focus on one of the biggest trees in a nearby wood. Boulders are successfully gathered, while NG manages to jam his whole arm into a rabbit hole and is unable to remove it. Troll antics abound, but eventually a barricade is formed and the scout is assigned to watch for the wagon. When it arrives, only the Eye manages to hold the trolls in position in the woods before they are unleashed when the Dwarves stop, looking suspiciously around. There are 3 on the wagon and 2 ponyriders.

The trolls charge the wagon together, one of them stopping a heavy crossbow bolt on the way (‘Oh-oh….’), then they smash into it, dislodging one dwarf, with another receiving a heavy blow from a club. Melee descends with two trolls facing ponyriders whilst Orrid tries to flip over the wagon, accidentally flipping it onto the mules which are pulling it, crushing them. The Dwarf captain rolls off, whilst the head trader is flipped over the side.

The battle gets ugly, with Borshak firing arrows into the fray and Uglik creeping in. Pog kills one dwarf, with a clean blow lifting him from his pony saddle, to crash to the earth 10 feet away. NG takes a beating, but one of the Dwarf guards sees his mace shatter on the monster’s head, while the captain lays into the young troll with his battle axe, knocking it out. Uglik cunningly strikes with his mace from behind and lays two dwarves low. Pog and Orrid slay another dwarf each. In the end there is only one ponyrider left and he decides his duty is to flee to warn the Dwarves in the tower. Unfortunately Orrid and Pog put an end to this plan by hurling slain dwarf bodies at the rider, the first knocking him from his pony and the second knocking him out. So it isn’t true that nobody tosses a dwarf…..

With NG left unconscious and forgotten the group ravage the caravan in their individual ways. Borshak scavenges around the wagon whilst Uglik quickly loots the bodies and then the remains of the wagon load. Pog shakes the dwarves for shiny metal and then eats two of them. Orrid just eats. Eventually there is only one dwarf body left and they tear it in two, eating their half. Uglik heads off after one of the pony’s that has fled, but soon gives up after realising that he is about to lose himself in a wood. Borshak feeds NG healing potions and the punch-drunk troll proceeds to gorge himself on raw mule. After ensuring he still possesses the Eye symbol, Borshak grabs Uglik and checks his money pouch, which contains 2gp, which he lets him keep, unaware that the sneaky goblin has already concealed 6 other gp in his vile undergarments.

Uglik is sent off to scout the hills for caves, presumably to allow the trolls emergency cover from the sun. He finds one, currently occupied by a small wolf pack and reports back to the Uruk. They plan to eventually tell the trolls that they know of a cave, but then not lead them to it, turning them to stone when the sun rises and being able to share their booty between the two of them.

Uglik is then sent to scout ahead to the tower, but instead goes AWOL, watching the trolls and Uurk eventually give up on him and head toward the tower themselves. At the beginning of the stone causeway up to the tower Borshak commands the trolls to ‘stay’ and scouts ahead alone. It isn’t long before two of the trolls forget the command and, bellies full, decide to head for the home that they cannot remember the way to. Orrid makes a stunning leap of logic and realises that if home is not in front of him it must be behind him. Pog realises this means they must walk backwards to get there. They set off. NG lies on the ground and goes to sleep.

Borshak returns having determined that there is a dwarf sentry smoking a pipe on the top of the tower. Unfortunately his force is sadly depleted. He can just about see the two trolls in the distance backing their way up a hill. He sets off in pursuit. The trolls, seeing the Uruk approaching realise that despite their best efforts to go backwards towards home are still going forwards towards the Uruk. They run backwards faster, until Orrid trips over a treestump and is facing Pog. This stretches their reasoning power and Orrid heads off backwards again, towards Borshak. Pog tries to do the same, but miscalculates and heads off at an angle. The Uruk halts this troll version of the 3 stooges and commands them to follow him to kill more dwarves.

With no sign of the goblin scout, young Onetooth decides he has little choice but to continue with a frontal assault, with only 3 wounded trolls. He decides not to let them rest and heal, since he would rather they did not survive anyway – simpler all round that way. The trolls try to sneak up the causeway with little success, with NG kicking a boulder high into the air which crashes into the dwarf hold, making a huge noise. The element of surprise gone, Borshak orders the trolls to commence an artillery assault on the gate, with the trolls throwing boulders in all directions as a result. One rock launched by NG crashes down on Pog’s arm, causing suspicion of an attack by huge stone-shitting birds.

With the gate damaged, Borshak sends the trolls at it, but the dwarves are ready and some thrown axes hit NG and Pog. The gates cannot hold against the three and they break them down to be confronted by 5 dwarf miners armed with pick-axes and a dwarf captain with a crossbow. He does not miss, but nothing can stop these foul creatures and they pile into the dwarves. Seconds later 3 dwarves lie dead, their broken bodies launched through the air to crash inert against the rock walls. Unfortunately the dwarf captain is no pushover and he slays first NG and then Pog. Borshak arrives and cuts down another miner, but only in time to see Orrid fall to the combined blows of the dwarf captain and the last miner. The Uruk hurls a mace at the miner, causing little hurt and then turns and runs. The dwarves pursue him, but cannot match the Uruk for speed, so they return and vent their fury on the troll bodies.

Borshak returns to his base, proud of the chaos he has wrought. Nine dwarves have been slain, their mining operation effectively ceased and their hold damaged, all for the cost of three rogue trolls. A night well spent. But he sure would still like to get his hands on that weasely scout……..
Uglik has watched the entire battle from his hiding place, but decided that his life and haul of 8gp are not worth risking in the face of these enraged Dwarves. He quietly leaves the area, rich beyond his wildest dreams, his mind full of dirty female orc anatomy.